I need to know.
Sup people!
It’s 12.37AM, and im not supposed to be here. haha. I’ve got an oral presentation for Business Communications later at 9, and chances are, furious drum beats and screeching guitars are nearly futile- apparent from the last 2 weeks since this semester kicked off, on a slightly lower note than the last, I might add. Nonetheless, that is the least of my worries!
I wanted to post an update since 213912830129831236 days, but out of everything that’s racing through my head and fighting for attention, nothing ever comes out conclusively enough for me to actually finish writing and not feel as if it was not in place with how I felt.
Well Ive been reading some of my older entries on blogspot, and this one hits home, so there you go-
My heart’s screaming for a clearer perspective about where my life is going,
Or it does, i just dont think its worth my time.ive been held back by doubts and overwhelmed by uncertainty, pulled down by fear and wiped out by insecurity,all of it eventually leading back to the reality that i dont know myself as much as i thought i did. i thought i could see every intricate detail that motivated my every action, i thought i knew fully well who i was and i didnt need anybody to tell me otherwise. in fact, i thought that i didnt like to be me, it just became a sort of chore having to smile at the world and laugh away the sillyness of life as if id make nothing of it when i really did.like i didnt care what people think, and they thought it would’nt matter when it does. there are a thousand thoughts racing through my head, fighting for attention. consumed by wants and plaged by needs, overwhelmed with commitment and responsibility but effectively tempted by fatal,brief spurts of enjoyment. satisfication meets longing in the wrong place and time altogether. questions never seem to have an answer.
I have the key to unlocking a solution to all these problems.we all do. i just wish we wouldnt lose it so often.
[edit/]
and so here we are, writing the final chapters of 2007.as we look back though, what do we see? unfortunately most of us don’t understand that the past is pretty telling, about what the future holds. In some ways. Either we don’t look back enough, or when we do, all we see is fear. of the lives we used to lead.What we see, is regret. and it hold us back from the lives that we have to lead. It finds its way into our hearts as a theif conceives a scheme to carry out a successful heist, and before you know it- the future does’nt look any different,either.
What is the account that I will give to God at the end of this year, I ask.How faithful have I been with the little that I had, and the abundance of His riches which he then gives even though I really don’t deserve any of it? Where is the thirst for victory that kept me going, tearing my way across the cacaphony of the devil’s lying words and destructive waves of attacks? Is it even in sight to begin with?
I need to know. I need to know before I can move on.
Like Jars of Clay- 